2008 Woodie Awards
Now or Never Kind
Keegan Conway
Issue date: 11/29/07 Section: Visions and Voices
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Are you the now or never kind? I know I'm the now kind. I make mistakes, I succumb to what seems pleasurable at the moment. You know the type: I'm a hedonist. I am complicated and confusing and I could/probably should apologize for it. But I won't. I can't apologize for what fundamentally makes me.
I wouldn't pin you as a hedonist. I'd pin you as a horny college boy.
It's just my luck that the guy who took my virginity from me, (mainly because I wanted it to go, because it was a deep burden that left me in constant fear, and also because you liked politics, and because a shooting star graced the sky, and I'm sure those few beers contributed, and because I believe in fate and something more, and I believe in the moment and in sloppy mistakes); it's just my luck that you would happen to end up in a class with me. I mean, typically one-night stands are just that, one night, and then that night disappears into the succession of days and nights and becomes a story and a joke. But not for me. And that one night turned into another night, albeit a couple months later.
Not really by choice. But you know, that's what happens when it's me. We would happen to run into each other late that Friday night, and yet again we'd drink a few beers, and flirting was just too much fun, as was kissing but I was scared, not because of what would ensue, but because the last thing I wanted was this reputation of being a slut. You know the story- I may have accidentally done stuff with the guy who sits in the second to last row, who you seem to know. No, we didn't have sex, not like it matters because you're the one who's had sex with like eight people, and I've slept with two. Not to mention you're a couple years older and I'm just a freshman.
So I couldn't decide on how far I wanted to go that night. I'm a girl. I'm me. I get confused. I was buzzed or drunk or who even knows? I couldn't separate wanting from shoulding but I knew I shouldn't. And somehow I had to draw that line not at where I wanted to but where I should have… and I can never make up my mind about anything and I'm not a guy where I can fully separate sex with emotions… emotions are present no matter what for me. The best part is I'm still thinking about this and you've probably forgotten or at the least decided never to go for me again because I'm confusing and frustrating. I mean, we did hook up in your living room.
I wouldn't pin you as a hedonist. I'd pin you as a horny college boy.
It's just my luck that the guy who took my virginity from me, (mainly because I wanted it to go, because it was a deep burden that left me in constant fear, and also because you liked politics, and because a shooting star graced the sky, and I'm sure those few beers contributed, and because I believe in fate and something more, and I believe in the moment and in sloppy mistakes); it's just my luck that you would happen to end up in a class with me. I mean, typically one-night stands are just that, one night, and then that night disappears into the succession of days and nights and becomes a story and a joke. But not for me. And that one night turned into another night, albeit a couple months later.
Not really by choice. But you know, that's what happens when it's me. We would happen to run into each other late that Friday night, and yet again we'd drink a few beers, and flirting was just too much fun, as was kissing but I was scared, not because of what would ensue, but because the last thing I wanted was this reputation of being a slut. You know the story- I may have accidentally done stuff with the guy who sits in the second to last row, who you seem to know. No, we didn't have sex, not like it matters because you're the one who's had sex with like eight people, and I've slept with two. Not to mention you're a couple years older and I'm just a freshman.
So I couldn't decide on how far I wanted to go that night. I'm a girl. I'm me. I get confused. I was buzzed or drunk or who even knows? I couldn't separate wanting from shoulding but I knew I shouldn't. And somehow I had to draw that line not at where I wanted to but where I should have… and I can never make up my mind about anything and I'm not a guy where I can fully separate sex with emotions… emotions are present no matter what for me. The best part is I'm still thinking about this and you've probably forgotten or at the least decided never to go for me again because I'm confusing and frustrating. I mean, we did hook up in your living room.
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