2008 Woodie Awards
Minus the City
Elisa Benson
Issue date: 9/30/05 Section: Commentary
In a recent Towson newspaper sex column entitled "The Way To A Man's Hard-On," references to tea bagging and rim jobs sparked a flood of on and off-campus controversy.
I'm not in the business of dissing other columnists, although I'm not personally a fan of Matt Oja's writing, even if we share a page but I've never thought of "Minus the City," even in its trashiest moments, as a how-to guide for better sexual performance. Perhaps this is because I have nothing new to contribute to the art of tea bagging. Perhaps this is because I have parents.
Nonetheless, the idea that memorizing a Maxim tip sheet, the Karma Sutra or a college student's sex column leads to sexual perfection, simultaneous orgasms or marathon tantric-induced orgasms implies that person-to-person communication is a secondary concern. Truth is, you can have a mental Encyclopedia of Kink, but without paying attention to your partner's every move and moan, you'll never know how to use it.
It's sort of like studying for a multiple-choice test when the exam is an essay. Spitting out the right answers will get you a few points, but if you want to go for the big A - or the big O - you gotta know how to synthesize.
Like airplanes, people get off in different ways. Speed, handling and size of the plane impact how fast the mission's accomplished. One woman's orgasm might be just a tickle for the girl next door. Or one man might prefer extra action around his bum rather than his balls. A repertoire of sex tricks up your sleeve might help you imagine a quick plan B, but without confidence and communication your Reverse Lollypop Blowjob might just seem like a complicated slobber-filled exercise. Most penises have never met a complicated exercise in slobbering they didn't like, but the point is no two people will ever be alike. Don't assume their preferences will be.
Cosmo's regular installment of recycled sex tips might inspire some innovative moves. And sharing your encounter with a new position is half the fun of trying it out. The problem occurs when "99 ways to seduce your man" becomes a crutch, a way of avoiding feelings sexual inadequacy. Just because you don't want to put balls in your mouth doesn't mean you need to pull a DKE and brand yourself. "Bad in bed" isn't a label because it's not a permanent condition. Inexperience and inhibitions might take time and practice to overcome, but stocking up on reading material involving ice cubes, handcuffs and the perineum as the Holy Trinity of bedroom activity will only make you doubt your sexy self. Wondering, "I hope I mastered the shaft to head transition" when you should be enjoying the moment is the emotional equivalent of blue balls, a.k.a. the end to your evening of sexual fulfillment.
Next time you need to kick it up a notch, skip the how-to shelves and go straight to the source. Try out a new grip or lick and ask for immediate feedback. Work your way up to posing direct questions: "When you orgasm, I'm not sure if I should move faster or slow down." If you're trying something really out-there, flip through the book or check out the video together. After you master the in-person communication, the other stuff will follow.
I'm not in the business of dissing other columnists, although I'm not personally a fan of Matt Oja's writing, even if we share a page but I've never thought of "Minus the City," even in its trashiest moments, as a how-to guide for better sexual performance. Perhaps this is because I have nothing new to contribute to the art of tea bagging. Perhaps this is because I have parents.
Nonetheless, the idea that memorizing a Maxim tip sheet, the Karma Sutra or a college student's sex column leads to sexual perfection, simultaneous orgasms or marathon tantric-induced orgasms implies that person-to-person communication is a secondary concern. Truth is, you can have a mental Encyclopedia of Kink, but without paying attention to your partner's every move and moan, you'll never know how to use it.
It's sort of like studying for a multiple-choice test when the exam is an essay. Spitting out the right answers will get you a few points, but if you want to go for the big A - or the big O - you gotta know how to synthesize.
Like airplanes, people get off in different ways. Speed, handling and size of the plane impact how fast the mission's accomplished. One woman's orgasm might be just a tickle for the girl next door. Or one man might prefer extra action around his bum rather than his balls. A repertoire of sex tricks up your sleeve might help you imagine a quick plan B, but without confidence and communication your Reverse Lollypop Blowjob might just seem like a complicated slobber-filled exercise. Most penises have never met a complicated exercise in slobbering they didn't like, but the point is no two people will ever be alike. Don't assume their preferences will be.
Cosmo's regular installment of recycled sex tips might inspire some innovative moves. And sharing your encounter with a new position is half the fun of trying it out. The problem occurs when "99 ways to seduce your man" becomes a crutch, a way of avoiding feelings sexual inadequacy. Just because you don't want to put balls in your mouth doesn't mean you need to pull a DKE and brand yourself. "Bad in bed" isn't a label because it's not a permanent condition. Inexperience and inhibitions might take time and practice to overcome, but stocking up on reading material involving ice cubes, handcuffs and the perineum as the Holy Trinity of bedroom activity will only make you doubt your sexy self. Wondering, "I hope I mastered the shaft to head transition" when you should be enjoying the moment is the emotional equivalent of blue balls, a.k.a. the end to your evening of sexual fulfillment.
Next time you need to kick it up a notch, skip the how-to shelves and go straight to the source. Try out a new grip or lick and ask for immediate feedback. Work your way up to posing direct questions: "When you orgasm, I'm not sure if I should move faster or slow down." If you're trying something really out-there, flip through the book or check out the video together. After you master the in-person communication, the other stuff will follow.