2008 Woodie Awards
Minus The City
Elisa Benson
Issue date: 2/4/05 Section: Commentary
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Anyone who's witnessed a cell phone conversation at the dinner table understands that the decline of western civilization is sending our etiquette down the pooper. Therefore, I am taking it upon myself to supply a few guidelines for those in need of a crash course in hookup etiquette (a.k.a. first-years, frat brothers, and those people who just stand in the corner of the Jug ogling)
1. The first rule is also the most important: alcohol + sex = potential case of date rape. Not only are legal issues present, but - and, boys, this is directed at you - Colgate is a small school and everyone will find out if you're too wasted to come. You'll be the next Frank brunch conversation (and not in the good way).
2. It is both uncouth and disgusting to invite someone back to your bed if the sheets are stained with sex juices from the night, week, or month before. This is equivalent to making someone else wear your dirty underwear.
3. Considerate hosts will ask, "Do you want me to put on some music?" when they return to the room. If agreed, music selection should be mutually agreeable and not too loud. Do not sing along. Do not play "mood" music, it's creepy. We're aiming for background noise, as some guests might feel intimidated by the variety of strange noises that accompany hookups.
4. A well prepared host, regardless of gender, always keeps a variety of condoms on hand should the act of sex become imminent. I recommend purchasing variety packs in case your guest requests Ribbed over Ultra-thin, et cetera.
5. If you initiate the hookup and your partner consents, you should also be prepared to initiate the sexual activities. For example, it would be a sexual faux pas to beg someone to come back to your bedroom and then wait for them to go down on you. It's like a dinner party; the guest should always get served first.
Same rule applies for sex positions. The initiator should prepare to be on top and coordinate most of the action. If you care to introduce props and/or less conventional positions, consult with your partner first. One person's handcuffs could be another person's "hands off!"
1. The first rule is also the most important: alcohol + sex = potential case of date rape. Not only are legal issues present, but - and, boys, this is directed at you - Colgate is a small school and everyone will find out if you're too wasted to come. You'll be the next Frank brunch conversation (and not in the good way).
2. It is both uncouth and disgusting to invite someone back to your bed if the sheets are stained with sex juices from the night, week, or month before. This is equivalent to making someone else wear your dirty underwear.
3. Considerate hosts will ask, "Do you want me to put on some music?" when they return to the room. If agreed, music selection should be mutually agreeable and not too loud. Do not sing along. Do not play "mood" music, it's creepy. We're aiming for background noise, as some guests might feel intimidated by the variety of strange noises that accompany hookups.
4. A well prepared host, regardless of gender, always keeps a variety of condoms on hand should the act of sex become imminent. I recommend purchasing variety packs in case your guest requests Ribbed over Ultra-thin, et cetera.
5. If you initiate the hookup and your partner consents, you should also be prepared to initiate the sexual activities. For example, it would be a sexual faux pas to beg someone to come back to your bedroom and then wait for them to go down on you. It's like a dinner party; the guest should always get served first.
Same rule applies for sex positions. The initiator should prepare to be on top and coordinate most of the action. If you care to introduce props and/or less conventional positions, consult with your partner first. One person's handcuffs could be another person's "hands off!"