2008 Woodie Awards
Your Horoscopes
Matt Taylor
Issue date: 1/21/05 Section: Commentary
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For everyone out there who is hopelessly addicted to reading their "destiny" before it happens, here you go. We trust you won't be disappointed.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
You've been working hard balancing classes. The workload is challenging, and someone out there feels your pain. Take a day off to relax, or you'll get too stressed out. Otherwise, you may find yourself arguing with people, a great need to beat your roommate with the telephone he/she is talking on oh-so-much, and an intense desire to rip your hair out.
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Some people will try and do a "stop and chat" with you today. You know, the whole situation where you are passing an acquaintance (notice the lack of the word "friend") in the quad when you make eye contact, which somehow is taken by the other individual as an invitation to plant themselves directly in your path and proceed to make small talk with your still moving body, forcing you to stop and make meaningless "small talk." For unnecessary topics to cover see the description for "Leo."
Aries (3/21-4/19)
Colgate will get a little dose this week of what we like to call lake effect. You will not like this.
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
Winter break was good for you, perhaps a little too good. Stop drinking so much, and work harder. Planning your schedule will help.
Gemini (5/21-6/21)
You will love/hate this semester. In short, it will be very good/bad for your GPA.
Cancer (6/22-7/22)
Today you will be sitting in class, and find something one of your professors says to be incredibly retarded. If you don't attend class, substitute "roommate" in for "professor," namely when you wake up at 1:00pm to his/her comment of "you seem a little hungover."
Leo (7/23-8/22)
You're back from break and people pretty much everywhere are asking you how your break was. Although neither of you really consciously asked this question, you both also are not listing to the corresponding response. Refuse to make small talk with these people and just pass them by, offering no visual sign of recognition as you pass their now insulted and deflated ego. On the other hand, do answer questions from people you care about.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
You've been working hard balancing classes. The workload is challenging, and someone out there feels your pain. Take a day off to relax, or you'll get too stressed out. Otherwise, you may find yourself arguing with people, a great need to beat your roommate with the telephone he/she is talking on oh-so-much, and an intense desire to rip your hair out.
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Some people will try and do a "stop and chat" with you today. You know, the whole situation where you are passing an acquaintance (notice the lack of the word "friend") in the quad when you make eye contact, which somehow is taken by the other individual as an invitation to plant themselves directly in your path and proceed to make small talk with your still moving body, forcing you to stop and make meaningless "small talk." For unnecessary topics to cover see the description for "Leo."
Aries (3/21-4/19)
Colgate will get a little dose this week of what we like to call lake effect. You will not like this.
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
Winter break was good for you, perhaps a little too good. Stop drinking so much, and work harder. Planning your schedule will help.
Gemini (5/21-6/21)
You will love/hate this semester. In short, it will be very good/bad for your GPA.
Cancer (6/22-7/22)
Today you will be sitting in class, and find something one of your professors says to be incredibly retarded. If you don't attend class, substitute "roommate" in for "professor," namely when you wake up at 1:00pm to his/her comment of "you seem a little hungover."
Leo (7/23-8/22)
You're back from break and people pretty much everywhere are asking you how your break was. Although neither of you really consciously asked this question, you both also are not listing to the corresponding response. Refuse to make small talk with these people and just pass them by, offering no visual sign of recognition as you pass their now insulted and deflated ego. On the other hand, do answer questions from people you care about.