2008 Woodie Awards
Freakin' Freaky Sex
minus the city
Elisa Benson
Issue date: 11/19/04 Section: Commentary
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Does anyone really have freaky sex?
I'm not talking black leather and whips here - though that counts too - but simply about the stream of sex tips lurking behind every Cosmo or Maxim headline. I skim these articles with mock-serious intrigue, fascinated by their ability to continually publish "99 new ways" to heat up my sex life. Apparently the grand vault of Possible Sexcapades has yet to run dry.
But as I read these articles, after about the first ten tips in the "beginners" section, some of the tricks get so complicated I feel like I should take notes. Or maybe bring the mag with me on my next Saturday night to consult for any in-the-moment questions. Maybe I'm sexually illiterate, but I have a hunch I'm not the only one who forgets when I should be licking instead of flicking or grazing instead of massaging. Am I supremely bad in bed, or is the Samantha (a la Sex and the City) style hookup a Cosmo-created conspiracy?
I do not believe in the heat of the moment, anyone actually asks, "Baby, would you rather do the Side Slide or Randy Rider?" And taking ten minutes just to assemble said position o' intercourse kills the mood faster than getting walked in on by your parents. To avoid this potential problem the next time you get it on, here are a few signs your sex position might be more porn-inspired fantasy than real life workable:
1. It requires an illustration. Obviously everyone's favorite part of sex tips is the pictures. But if the position is incomprehensible without a diagram, it may also rate low on the Remember-ibility and Actually Has a Potential of Happening During a Random Hookup scale.
2. There's a step-by step methodology for accessing said position ("First, slide your right leg...").
3. The description contains mathematical terms / equations (eg, 45 degrees, obtuse angle, hypotenuse...).
4. Even with a pic, you have to mark it out with a platonic friend before comprehending what exactly goes where.
I'm not talking black leather and whips here - though that counts too - but simply about the stream of sex tips lurking behind every Cosmo or Maxim headline. I skim these articles with mock-serious intrigue, fascinated by their ability to continually publish "99 new ways" to heat up my sex life. Apparently the grand vault of Possible Sexcapades has yet to run dry.
But as I read these articles, after about the first ten tips in the "beginners" section, some of the tricks get so complicated I feel like I should take notes. Or maybe bring the mag with me on my next Saturday night to consult for any in-the-moment questions. Maybe I'm sexually illiterate, but I have a hunch I'm not the only one who forgets when I should be licking instead of flicking or grazing instead of massaging. Am I supremely bad in bed, or is the Samantha (a la Sex and the City) style hookup a Cosmo-created conspiracy?
I do not believe in the heat of the moment, anyone actually asks, "Baby, would you rather do the Side Slide or Randy Rider?" And taking ten minutes just to assemble said position o' intercourse kills the mood faster than getting walked in on by your parents. To avoid this potential problem the next time you get it on, here are a few signs your sex position might be more porn-inspired fantasy than real life workable:
1. It requires an illustration. Obviously everyone's favorite part of sex tips is the pictures. But if the position is incomprehensible without a diagram, it may also rate low on the Remember-ibility and Actually Has a Potential of Happening During a Random Hookup scale.
2. There's a step-by step methodology for accessing said position ("First, slide your right leg...").
3. The description contains mathematical terms / equations (eg, 45 degrees, obtuse angle, hypotenuse...).
4. Even with a pic, you have to mark it out with a platonic friend before comprehending what exactly goes where.