2008 Woodie Awards
Sorry!
Alexis Apfelbaum
Issue date: 11/5/04 Section: Commentary
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To my roommates, who really put up with a lot, I apologize for forgetting about the popcorn I was making and lighting our microwave on fire. I also apologize for dousing the ensuing blaze with rubbing alcohol -- that didn't go so well.
To the scantily clad hussy who I identified, in whispers to my friend, as a huge slut: I apologize that the music stopped just as I was saying the word "slut" and pointing at you.
To the country, a great land that is going to get screwed for another four years, I apologize that Ohio couldn't get it together.
To the awesome Halloween costumed kids outside Stillman who were on their way to the Jug at 1:30 a.m., I apologize for pouring box-o-wine on you. Special apologies go to the guy dressed as a parrot, who looked like a drowned pigeon when we were through.
To my friend Kelly, who asked me if Marlboro Lights contained fewer
calories, I apologize for saying: yes, yes, they do.
To the guy in my 8 a.m. class who smells like pencils, I apologize for being allergic to you. I can't help it -- whenever you raise your hand, I sneeze. It definitely is that pencil smell though - ... do you have a sharpening fetish?
To my sister Jilly (who is the coolest girl), I apologize for listing your number in this column for people to call if they found my missing Nalgene. Especially since that one guy keeps calling you, telling you how he found it, and don't you want to meet up so he can give it back? ... And, especially since I never actually lost my Nalgene.
To SOURCe, who solves all our computer needs, I apologize for thinking my computer was broken, when it was only sleeping. .
To the girl next to me at the gym, who was running furiously on the treadmill, I apologize that you fell. I guess it wasn't the best time to ask you what size your shoes were. Well, anyway, now that you won't be at the gym for a while, can I borrow them?
To the scantily clad hussy who I identified, in whispers to my friend, as a huge slut: I apologize that the music stopped just as I was saying the word "slut" and pointing at you.
To the country, a great land that is going to get screwed for another four years, I apologize that Ohio couldn't get it together.
To the awesome Halloween costumed kids outside Stillman who were on their way to the Jug at 1:30 a.m., I apologize for pouring box-o-wine on you. Special apologies go to the guy dressed as a parrot, who looked like a drowned pigeon when we were through.
To my friend Kelly, who asked me if Marlboro Lights contained fewer
calories, I apologize for saying: yes, yes, they do.
To the guy in my 8 a.m. class who smells like pencils, I apologize for being allergic to you. I can't help it -- whenever you raise your hand, I sneeze. It definitely is that pencil smell though - ... do you have a sharpening fetish?
To my sister Jilly (who is the coolest girl), I apologize for listing your number in this column for people to call if they found my missing Nalgene. Especially since that one guy keeps calling you, telling you how he found it, and don't you want to meet up so he can give it back? ... And, especially since I never actually lost my Nalgene.
To SOURCe, who solves all our computer needs, I apologize for thinking my computer was broken, when it was only sleeping. .
To the girl next to me at the gym, who was running furiously on the treadmill, I apologize that you fell. I guess it wasn't the best time to ask you what size your shoes were. Well, anyway, now that you won't be at the gym for a while, can I borrow them?