2008 Woodie Awards
Minus the City
Friends With Benefits: A Male Perspective
Richard Denoncourt
Issue date: 11/5/04 Section: Commentary
- Page 1 of 1
We've all heard the term before, but do we really know what it means to be a friend with benefits? How many of us have been in such a relationship and actually knew what we were getting ourselves into? It seemed like a real good idea at the time didn't it?
Friends With Benefits (FWB) doesn't work very well. The reasons for this are obvious. One of you becomes too attached, or maybe another person comes into the picture, or someone starts to feel guilty or taken advantage of. What hangs in the balance is the friendship itself. Things start to get weird and suddenly you can't hang out with this person without wondering whether having sex will have negative consequences.
The real reason FWB doesn't work is that young people nowadays have trouble viewing sex as objectively as is required for such a relationship to work. There is a massive ideological force in this country that attaches sex to commitment, friendship, love and devotion. Sex becomes inextricably linked to some kind of subjective pleasure where what counts is not the pleasure itself but the source of this pleasure, the person that is providing it. This leads to the kinds of feelings and doubts that call into question our sense of decency, our self-esteem and our pride. Guilt, jealousy and emotional distress come as a result.
It's time for something new, a different kind of relationship where a person's sexual needs can be met without the commitment that relationships impose and the confusion that FWB generates. I call this new sort of relationship Acquaintances with Benefits (AWB). Ok, it's not a good name, but I'm sure slang will develop once AWB becomes popular. Basically, AWB is a perpetual hook-up. It's where the whole point is not to be friends with this person. The relationship is based on a purely objective desire to satisfy sexual demands. It should be understood between the two people that social demands can be met elsewhere. Pros of this relationship are that it eliminates any sort of commitment to a relationship or to a person and grants both people the option of hooking up with someone who won't make them feel ashamed the next morning. Some cons are that it may be to overcome the feeling of wrongness resulting from the pleasure being gained from someone else's body. AWB should be understood as a contract. As long as both people are doing it and enjoying it, no one is being taken advantage of and no morals are being questioned.
There are rules to AWB. Hanging out in any sort of non-sexual way with this person should be avoided. Never talk about yourself and don't let the other person talk about his or her self. Making out is ok; kissing is too affectionate. Any conversation longer than five minutes is too long. These rules might seem harsh and unfair, but just remember that they help to keep your emotional sanity in place.
Friends With Benefits (FWB) doesn't work very well. The reasons for this are obvious. One of you becomes too attached, or maybe another person comes into the picture, or someone starts to feel guilty or taken advantage of. What hangs in the balance is the friendship itself. Things start to get weird and suddenly you can't hang out with this person without wondering whether having sex will have negative consequences.
The real reason FWB doesn't work is that young people nowadays have trouble viewing sex as objectively as is required for such a relationship to work. There is a massive ideological force in this country that attaches sex to commitment, friendship, love and devotion. Sex becomes inextricably linked to some kind of subjective pleasure where what counts is not the pleasure itself but the source of this pleasure, the person that is providing it. This leads to the kinds of feelings and doubts that call into question our sense of decency, our self-esteem and our pride. Guilt, jealousy and emotional distress come as a result.
It's time for something new, a different kind of relationship where a person's sexual needs can be met without the commitment that relationships impose and the confusion that FWB generates. I call this new sort of relationship Acquaintances with Benefits (AWB). Ok, it's not a good name, but I'm sure slang will develop once AWB becomes popular. Basically, AWB is a perpetual hook-up. It's where the whole point is not to be friends with this person. The relationship is based on a purely objective desire to satisfy sexual demands. It should be understood between the two people that social demands can be met elsewhere. Pros of this relationship are that it eliminates any sort of commitment to a relationship or to a person and grants both people the option of hooking up with someone who won't make them feel ashamed the next morning. Some cons are that it may be to overcome the feeling of wrongness resulting from the pleasure being gained from someone else's body. AWB should be understood as a contract. As long as both people are doing it and enjoying it, no one is being taken advantage of and no morals are being questioned.
There are rules to AWB. Hanging out in any sort of non-sexual way with this person should be avoided. Never talk about yourself and don't let the other person talk about his or her self. Making out is ok; kissing is too affectionate. Any conversation longer than five minutes is too long. These rules might seem harsh and unfair, but just remember that they help to keep your emotional sanity in place.